Freedom From Fear

Freedom From Fear

Freedom From Fear. Well, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? Imagine a life without fear. No anxiety, no distressing adrenaline releases, nothing to be frightened of.

Now imagine standing at a busy road, seeing a truck hurtling down the inside lane and stepping out in front of you. Imagine being hit by it. Imagine that. Why would you do such a thing? What on earth possessed you to put yourself directly in front of a seven-ton truck doing 50 miles per hour? It is because you have no fear. You were one of the lucky ones who was chosen to have fear removed from your very being, and now you paid the price. If only you had had some sort of warning system telling you that truck versus you equals big mess, the mess being, well, you.

On some level, we all wish we didn’t have to be afraid, but fear is Mother Nature’s early warning system. It keeps us alive because it gives us indications that danger is present, that we should take action, that we need to be somewhere else.

But what if we allow that fear to grow too big? What if the ugly four-letter word now dominates our lives?

As a young man, I was subject to so much violence, aggression and toxic behaviour that fear ruled me. It owned me so much that I became agoraphobic. I was afraid to leave my house, and when I did, well, the fear I carried around with me was a heavy burden indeed.

My body was constantly in fight or flight. A knock at the door, the phone ringing, a letter arriving through the letterbox could all send my senses into overdrive, and so to me, it became obvious what I had to do. I had to rid myself of fear. I had to expel it from my life, banish it, give it no headspace.

After months, years of trying this, educating myself with books and magazine articles promising me freedom from fear, I realised I had got it wrong. True freedom from fear can never happen. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that is the truth.

Now here is the good news. Instead of ridding myself of it, I came to realise that what I actually needed to do was learn to control it. In other words, lessen its effects on me.

Knowledge was the easy part. Practically, well, that was going to be a bit different as I had no idea how I set about it. I tried, and I failed. So I tried again, and I failed again, but every time this happened I learnt a lesson.

I set about studying my physical reactions to conflict, unpleasant situations and things that went bump in the night.

When faced with the difficult task of dismissing one of my father’s employees (after giving orders to his angst-riddled son to do a task he couldn’t handle himself, he left the office at an uncharacteristically early hour), I set about blocking the entrance to his factory from the said staff member.

The, by now pretty much ex-employee, laughed in my face as he saw my eye starting to twitch (adrenaline overload), my voice rise to an embarrassing pitch (lack of confidence) and my lack of conviction in the argument he should be fired (a form of denial. After all, it wasn’t my idea to sack him).

As he went to push his way past me to gain entrance to the workplace, I found a spark from somewhere and blocked him. He looked surprised, but not half as surprised as I felt. He issued the usual banal warnings. “I’ll be back for you and your dad, and when I do, you are both dead.” I came to learn later on that these warnings almost never come to anything, but be aware. There is no low risk, only high risk and unknown risk, so always be prepared.

The issue took its toll on me that Saturday morning and left me tired, weak and confused. Yes, I had eventually stopped someone walking all over me, but yes, I was still frightened, and so I took my leave, and I too left work early. A sympathetic nearby worker offered these words as I left the building. “You did good there, Simon, but you look a bit peaky. Go and rest for a while.”

That was a pivotal moment for me. The first time that I did not let fear overwhelm me, and I was determined to build on the very small positive I could take. The same afternoon, very aware of my limited physical capabilities (I later learnt that I was so very wrong about that, it was the fear talking), I visited our local sports centre and signed up for Kickboxing lessons. Me! The very thought of it would have you guffawing.

Except nobody laughed. The instructor saw a youth crippled by anxiety, but at last trying to address it. He took me under his wing and showed me that I had hope.

That afternoon, I addressed a lot of my fears in one go. Leaving the house to stand in a room of thirty people, all bigger and better than me, but I ignored my doubting inner voice, shunned my fear of violence. Putting on a pair of boxing gloves and a head guard and going five rounds with an established kick-boxer and using the fuel that fear gives me to complete them, and, more to my surprise, enjoying it.

I fell in love with fighting, going on to compete around the country against champions, professional fighters and guys that just loved to scrap, but what I loved more than the fighting was the confidence it brought.

My fear of talking to a crowd or in public was just fear of ridicule and so once I decided I could take a bit of stick, (what is embarrassment anyway?), after a lengthy time training, I opened my own club and after the first session, with no slip ups, stutters or drawing a blank, my wife made a comment that stayed with me forever. “You were made to do this, Simon.”

And so my journey started in earnest. Now sitting with fear beside me on my trips, I got better every day at controlling it, and the more I did, the more confidence I had. Sure, there were days when it became a bit too big again, but those were rest days, those were days that a break from it all had been earned.

So, where does your fear fit in all of this? Well, the same way mine did. You learn to control fear by getting exposure to it, and no, I am not for one second suggesting you try and stare a moving truck down.

I’m suggesting that you set out to get what you were put on this earth for, and very rarely is it an easy ride, but it sure is worth it.

You may want to be a singer, and of course singing into mum’s hairbrush as a mic, whilst dancing in front of the mirror is a start, but is that really your end game? Of course it isn’t. Seek out a local band looking for a singer, be brave enough to put your desire to sing on stage on social media, and that is the start of the commitment needed for your journey.

What’s that you say? You have always fancied doing a bit of acting. Well, the only way to do a bit of acting is to do a bit of acting, so head on over to your local amateur dramatics, introduce yourself and see where that takes you, but be mindful that fear will be with you, but every time you put in an appearance, his voice becomes smaller. Do this often enough and poor little fear can’t seem to get a word in edgeways.

If he does manage to have his say, it is normally something along the lines of “Who do you think you are to be doing this? You will be a laughing stock.”

You must argue with him. You must not let him have the last say and send you back home with your tail between your legs. No, not at all. You argue louder, prouder and more convincing, because you know how you are on the right path to controlling fear and taking your success? Because you are doing it. You are singing that song, writing that article, playing that sport, and you are doing it despite your fear. Counter every negative thought with two positive ones, take chances, be brave and remember, whatever it is you are trying to do, the people who are ahead of you in that room all felt that fear too. They probably still do, but now they control it. You can too.

 See where your courage takes you; you deserve it.

 #overcomefear #fearlessmindset  #conqueryourfear #embracecourage #faceyourfears